The Love Assassin in my Mirror

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I was alive once without the law but when the commandment came, sin revived and I died. As I dragged my feet day after day, I felt myself disconnect from me. Myself? Me? How many are we to begin with? It was then that it became clearer and clearer to me that indeed I have a soul inside. Though onlookers may observe a smile, it takes those who are in touch with their inner beings to detect the genuineness of that outward expression.

The question remains though: Whose commandment was this that sought to kill, steal and destroy in my life? Did it come from above? Contrary to what you are possibly imagining now, no it didn’t. Well then was it from society? The wretched society that we blame for every chain that we find ourselves in, was she the one who came in to bind and throw me out to the gutters? Surprisingly I found society without fault. In fact she stood there shrugging her shoulders with hands wide open having this to say, “All I do is bring all you people together according to the rules that you yourselves impose on each other. I also don’t know why you love doing it to yourselves”

After much turmoil, pain and discouragement I found the culprit. The one who led to my emotional death. I found that unruly chap while looking in the mirror. I wasn’t even searching, instead it happened while I sat doing my make-up as I prepared myself for the day ahead. The walking dead still cared about her looks and you dare not blame her. She needed to at least hold onto something or risk losing it all, her sanity included.

Never show a man that you love him because once he knows, he will take you for granted.

This was it, the cause of my death. Obviously I heard it from someone, more than one person actually. They iterated it on different occasions but the one that stands out to me was that particular afternoon when we sat with our feet dipped in the pool discussing the problematic gender. I was nursing a heartbreak so each of my girls took it upon themselves to offer unsolicited advice. Sub-commandments cementing the main one included, “If he really loves you then apologizing must come easy to him regardless of whether or not he is wrong” and “If you put in any amount of work to make it work you will only regret your wasted efforts in the long run, let him do the donkey work necessary to sustain the relationship.”

Why then was I blaming myself now? Well it’s simple, I embraced this crooked advice. I took it in, digested it and by the time I repeated it to myself and anyone who cared to listen, it had my signature all over it. The epiphany came upon me so strong that eventful morning while I sat in front of my bedroom mirror that I couldn’t help but think out loud, “I am guilty of assassinating love.”

By DJ Bwak

She wasn’t interested. She didn’t say so but that’s what I gathered. I mean, even in the animal kingdom, when a lioness or leopard is in heat, she leaves telltale signs all over the place. I am ready, she says. Come on over and let’s celebrate love! He gets the hint and races over. For days, they do nothing but dine on love. That happens because she gave him a clear trail that he couldn’t miss – if he was serious about her.

But for this lovely girl that I like, nope. No telltale signs. Nothing. Just that blank stare of hers even when our faces are inches away in conversation.

Just that nonchalance, whenever I attempt to craft adventures. Can we grab some lunch tomorrow? You should have told me earlier, she says. How is your Friday next week? That’s too far off, let’s talk again in a few days’ time. Can I drop by your place this weekend? My sisters are coming over this weekend for a belated sister-weekend.

I feel that her cup is full. She won’t allow even a tiny bit of me to drop into that cup. How can we be lovers if we can’t be friends? Michael Bolton was right to ask this question. And how can we be friends if we can’t spend quality time together? How can we spend that that quality time if she has time for everything and everyone but me!

I get it that maybe she is playing hard to get because no girl worth her salt should be too ‘available.’ I get it. All am asking for are some telltale signs. I mean even rain warns us of its impending arrival through those grey clouds. Show me some clouds girl so that we can harvest every last drop of that rain of love. It could be a playful glint in your eyes; an unsolicited beautiful text to complement my well-spaced dozens of texts; occasional availability in the midst of your ocean of unavailability.

And when you do show up, be present. Let’s have a deep conversation. Find out if I have a vision, a purpose, or am just drifting by in life. You want a man who is anchored in depth, right? But is depth part of your value set? You have to value depth in order to seek it. Are you also deep yourself? Of course you are, but that’s not what I mean. Am talking about emotional and intellectual depth.

I like you a lot and will do what it takes to find you. Or to use jungle lingo, to hunt you down. But don’t play hard to get for the mere sake of it. If you are constantly unavailable, I will walk away. Not because I wasn’t interested, but because you weren’t interested. Don’t assassinate love. If you do so, it will resurrect in the heart of another princess because love has nine lives. Actually, love never dies. We are the one who walk away from it.  

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